Self-pity (noun): A feeling of pity for yourself because you believe you have suffered more than is fair or reasonable; a self-indulgent dwelling on one’s own sorrows or misfortunes.
It’s not that I’m ever far from the acknowledgment that many people have struggled with far worse than I have, or even that I’m incredibly lucky (a) to be alive (b) to be healthy (c) to be able to move my body freely and in the capacities that I desire (d) to have loving friends, a supportive mother, the most incredible sister I could ever hope for (e) to pursue my dreams with a roof over my head and food in my belly (f) to live in a country that allows me to exist as a strong woman and have a voice…and a ton of other reasons for which I truly am thankful.
It’s not at all that those thoughts haven’t been in close proximity to my consciousness for years. It’s that despite them, I’ve struggled to stay afloat in a sea of self-pity for a very long time. I have a go-to list of “shitty things that have happened to me” lurking around almost every well-intentioned action and thought, prepared to jump right in and save the day (sarcasm) by letting me off the hook. An ever-so-convenient compilation of reasons why it’s ok for me to stay stuck in the warm and cozy overstuffed recliner of old patterns and old beliefs.
The heart of the problem is that my list is valid and I know it. I’m not self-pitying over the fact that Saucony has stopped making my favorite training shoe (which happens to be true), I’m self-pitying over valid reasons for feeling extra lousy. Full disclosure, the past nine years have sucked for me personally: I lost my stepmom to breast cancer; I lost my dad to skin cancer; my foster child was killed by gang members; I lost my grandmother to lung cancer; I had two major surgeries (one of which affected my health in huge ways and the other was to address an injury that I was told would end my career); I got divorced; I’ve struggled with severe depression and anxiety; and most recently I lost my best friend to breast cancer at the age of 37. So yeah, I’ve had a rough few years. I know other people have dealt with far worse, but I’ve had a rough few years.
All of this has amounted to a quite valid list of reasons why I “should” (according to myself) be allowed to not live up to my fullest potential with my health, my wellness, my personal life, and my career. I “should” be allowed to eat cookies for breakfast for months straight; I “should” be allowed to be a blob on the couch for weeks and weeks; I “should” be allowed to not answer my emails, or Facebook messages, or open my mail, or follow through on that promise I made to customers a while back, or any of a number of things that are aligned with my own values and how I ideally want to live my life.
To clarify, I make a huge distinction between grief and self-pity; grief being a natural and important process that follows significant loss. Choosing a day or two on the couch when the decision is fueled by self-care is completely different than when the decision is fueled by self-pity. In a very real way, self-pity is like a valid excuse to quit, give-up, or not try in the first place. It’s kind of crazy (read: scary, disappointing, shameful, embarrassing, sad) to me when I see that last sentence typed onto the page because I spend so much of my time teaching women how to achieve the mindset necessary to persevere in the worst scenarios imaginable, yet I struggle day in and day out with practicing that mindset in my own life when faced with what have been devastating obstacles.
So what’s the answer? Well as soon as I find it I’ll be sure to share it with you. 
In the meantime, I’m trying hard to catch myself in those moments of self-pity and to give myself the option instead to feel sad, or lonely, or scared without the “huge list o’ shitty things” joining the party and pushing me into the pit of despair I’ve loved (more sarcasm) to frequent in the past. I’m trying hard to remind myself of the things I have gratitude for. And I’m finding communities of unbelievably strong, supportive, inspiring women to help me dig myself out.
One of those communities is the Women’s Strength Summit, founded and led by Steph Gaudreau of Stupid Easy Paleo. Starting next week, the Women’s Strength Summit is the first “by women, for women” online event where 33+ influential speakers and experts, including friends of mine Erin Brown, Jen Sinkler, and Molly Galbraith are presenting their best strategies and tips on how to build your strength – physically, mentally, and emotionally – so viewers can become their most confident selves. I’ve been invited to participate as a speaker as well and I can’t tell you how honored I am to be included.
If you can identify with my self-pity struggle, this event is for you. If joining a community of real, strong, inspirational women feels like something you’d like to do, this event is for you (men are totally invited too!). If you’d like to learn some new strength skills and hear how leading experts in the field are kicking butt, this event is for you. If you just want to hear my presentation on safety and self-defense, this event is for you too. And it’s FREE. What? No really, it’s totally FREE.
I hope you’ll join me at this online event, and I hope you’ll take something valuable from the experience as I know I will. You can always reply to this email if you’d like to share your story, or if you have any questions about the Women’s Summit.
CLAIM YOUR FREE TICKET TO THE WOMEN’S SUMMIT
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